How do you live without someone that you can't live without?

Taylor Ann

How do you live without someone that you can’t live without?

For weeks now, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the answer to this daunting question. It’s been filling up the space in my mind, and expanding my brain into a balloon full of whys and hows. It’s taken over my body, and engulfed my skin in burning flames of question marks and tear drops.

Sometimes, time will stop, and it’ll feel like I’m moving slowly. It’s like I’m in a movie, and there’s a great, big, celebratory party going on around me. I’m all dressed up in an extravagant gown, with diamonds dripping from my ears and neck. Champagne is being spilled on the tiled floor, daredevils are jumping off balconies above me, glitter is falling into my hair— but I don’t hear or see any of it. Then, the camera will focus on me, and suddenly, everything becomes oddly silent and still. The audience can tell that there’s something wrong with me. My face is solemn and empty. But why should it be, when there’s all this glory surrounding me?

How do you live without someone that you can’t live without?

I’ll desperately try to look for answers. I stare at the sky— whether it’s pastel blue, or stormy grey, or pink and orange and gold. I look at the soft sway of the trees when the cold, brisk wind cuts through them. When leaves fall off their branches, I can’t help but wonder, how do the branches continue to grow without them? Branches aren’t full and thriving without their leaves.

When I refer to “living without someone,” I’m talking about living with someone you love, and then all of a sudden, living with their silence. Not being able to see their face, or hear their voice, or hold their hand, or even give them a phone call. Basically, living without them completely. How on earth do you do something like that?

I realized that tons of people do it everyday. Widowers. Couples that break up with no warning. Friendships that end abruptly, on a sour note. They live with the silence of the people that they once used to be able to dance with, and hold close.

So I wonder…

How do you live without someone that you can’t live without?

How are you supposed to grow as a person, when they’re not growing alongside you?

How are you supposed to breathe, when they are the air that fills your lungs?

I haven’t found a definite answer, but I think I’m getting close.

You live without the people that you love, because you have to. Sometimes, it’s not a choice. There’s nothing you can do except live, move on, and learn. You can become stronger in your heart. You can become more alive in your soul.

I think the hardest part about it is accepting it. You’ll place the blame on other people, even though deep down, you know it’s not their fault at all. But you need someone to be angry with. You’ll hate the world for your loss, and you’ll wonder why something this heartbreaking is happening to you. You won’t understand why it’s happening, but you’ll have to accept it anyway, because sometimes there’s just nothing that you can do.

Sadly, you might feel useless. You’ll feel empty and hollow, because without that person you’re thinking of, you’re incomplete. Feeling useless is hard too, because you want to give up, but there is no way to do that except by moving on. Like I said: You have to accept it somehow. On your own time, in your own way, you need to be at peace with it, and accept it for what it is.

I don’t mean for this to be a depressing sob story. I’m not asking for sympathy or attention. I just thought that maybe if there are other people out there who are going through this feeling, then maybe they’d like to feel less alone. Maybe they’ll read this, and be reassured that other people are asking themselves this same, unanswered question.

Now, I don’t really know if you’re going through something like this, or if you’ve ever gone through something like this, but my advice is simple and frustrating: Keep going. If there’s nothing that you can do about it, then all you can do is keep going, and eventually you’ll find a solution. Whether that solution is getting your person back, or finding someone new, or just moving on with your life and loving yourself, just do it. Be patient and try not to let it kill you. Look at photos that make you happy. Watch videos that remind you of memories that you forgot you had. Talk about it. Whatever makes you feel the slightest bit better, engage yourself in that.

Then, one day, maybe you’ll find an answer to this crushing question that I’m still struggling to figure out myself.